Begin the stream of consciousness
Since I’ve missed the Sonicsphere, due to work constrains (visit in Hamburg), I’ve decided to see the big four of thrash metal during Download Festival in the glorious country of Great Britain. If only few hundred thousand of Poles would not live there, I would probably emigrate there; because of all the countries in Europe, Britain is my favorite.
To be honest, actually I don’t like thrash metal that much, I went there to see some less known band, meet my Latvian friend and mosh with the locals to see how they do it (Rise against were playing).
Puddle of mud did not play. But they should. British weather was at it’s finest with heavy rains leading to masses of liquid mud. Rivers of mud. Everything was floating in mud.
Some poor soul lost their boot…
I were prepared for it. To some degree; prepared my concert worker boots with reinforced toes. They can also work in ankle deep, Woodstockian mud. The locals usually wore wellies.
Did I mention that it was all worth it for the lineup itself?
Day one started with dinosaurs from Fear Factory, NOFX who did their standard set of poor jokes – starting from Jew vs Mexican battle (“Hefe, what did you get for christmas?” “My bike”), through the one that made nearly everyone laugh – “Cancer Bats could not play in the morning due to the rain, so they came to us asking if they could play during our set – we refused”.
Billy Talent actually let the Cancer Bats play later on, they had a really decent set; but BT themselves were much better, I need to get to know of them more (despite it was the 2nd time I’ve seen them), since their song Red Flag is awesome:
Anyway around the time when Cancer Bats were playing a special board went online; anyone (anyone with an English phone T_T), could send a text message that would be shown on the board. It has started lightly with someone (rightly!) complaining that Five Finger Death Punch would not play:
Everyone went wild a bit later though. A question was posted: “Describe Down10ad in three words!” – “BUTTSCRATCHER, MOTHERFUCKER” was messaged and shown on the big screen few seconds later 🙂
Apart the 836, 836 chant, for one of the security guards, who was handsomely standing on the scene, buttscracher became one of the main chants of the fest. Maybe because everyone sleeping in the tent knew this feeling? The meme was evolving, with people making clever replies Buttscratcher -> Margaret Tacher -> dinosaur catcher -> ass muncher OR Buttscracher -> child snatcher -> child molester. I guess one has to be English and twisted to enjoy this; I really enjoyed it. Or one had to be there to get it. Just like the Spartans – what is your profession? chant.
Or the crowds chanting Machine FUCKING Head before their gig.
Ive joined my friends to see Nightwish, whom I personally do not like and proceeded to watch the Prodigy, who played a decent set. Although Keith is getting old. But it was nice to see the British people raving. After an awful Tourberg* and Gburger it was time to get to the camp. Which was muddy as hell.
First night was interesting; the tent prepared by my Latvian friends broke down completely. I’ve asked them if I should bring my own; they told me there was no need. There was; their shit of piece for a tent died after the rain. Guess I should always prepare for the worst. On the other hand it was the first time I have been setting up a tent at 2am in rain. Successfully 🙂
Day two was much better, it slowly stopped raining. Maybe the ‘Have a nice download‘ welcomes really worked? We started by watching Black Veil Brides, who have a emo-gay scenic image, which led to a frontal assult of (plastic) bottles thrown on the scene. Even a direct hit in the singers head. The singer run away, but at least continued the set. The camera guys used the old trick, instead of showing the band, they’ve been showing the audience on the screens, with girls flashing their breasts and masses demanding ‘tits‘. Not that I did not like tits 🙂 but the poor fellows probably thought that the chants went for them. Although most people were booing.
Did I mention that English women are awful? Either fat, small or both. Or a body shape of ogre, troll, or a whale. I mean, I’m a big fellow and people walk on the other side of the road when they see me, but when a girl is twice as big as me, she has a problem. Good that I live in Poland; Polish girls are beautiful. I should definitely get one. One that would simply be mine, not a friend, not someone who is my friend only when she wants something for me (why does this always happen? where do I make the mistake? then they always run away with some asshole that treats them like a cum dumpster and I am left cold and alone; this is a subject that needs more investigation). Anyway, when I finally saw a nice brown haired girl, she went to few people waving a Norwegian flag 🙂
Anyway, later on we had the absolute favorite of my friend – Trivium. I do not know them much, but they gave a really good concert. Which was really really mad. My friend requested to try to push ourselves in the absolute front, and we got nearly 5 rows of heads to the scene. Everyone else had the same idea, so the concert was one of the hottest in which I have ever participated; it could be only compared to the Diablo III premiere during which I was nearly crushed by people wanting to buy the collectors edition of the game. During the ‘tectonic movements’ of everyone pushing around I was nearly knocked and fall in the mud, but then I realized that I cannot really fell, because there are other people around. Something like Greece in the Eurozone.
Steel Panther continued with their light-hearted lyrics (Asian hooker, dirty motherfucker), as well as Tenacious D (which I do not like); I tried some technical metal bands, like Sylosis, who made me wonder why I still struggle to play Stand by me on my guitar, while they could so some really really impressive stuff.
I even talked with some English couple living in Germany, one of whom apparently did the same thing I do at work… (we could complain about CoC to the P&L/BS and SAP being crappy; complaining really gets people together by the way).
Killswitch engage gave a great concert as predicted. In fact, they were much better than the headliner: Metallica. The latter simply had run out of steam. Black album was good… 20 years ago, when it went out. Although seeing all the people was nice.
Did I mention that a lot of people wore funky clothes? There were few Batmans, Spidermans, one could search for Waldo if they wanted, I saw some guy putting on a dress, with bystanders encouraging him to try (he managed! 🙂 ). And most of all, people in banana suits.
When I will win the lottery I swear to the Invisible Pink Unicorn (let Her Hooves never be shod) that I will quit my job while wearing a banana suit followed by a mariachi band.
On night two we decided to get to the choppa. Ok, no more Predator/Download memes. We’ve decided to party with the locals. My Latvian friends, decided to show me their pickup artist skills. They have taken their smelly joints (did I mention that I do not do drugs? I also barely drink and sex… well lack of sex is the easiest to achieve; in the difficult life of a straight edger 😉 ) and selectet to the people who they found most suitable to pickup. Two guys and a fat girl. No comments. Actually my friend somehow made out with the Loch Ness monster. I will spare you the details. I mean, Im a bit on the plum side (although lost 7kg in last few months), but seriously what the flying fuck. At first I thought she was some form of a zombie trying to bite his face off (did I make a fat Sarah joke again? I really need to cut down on those…).
Anyway, we met some other people whom I really enjoyed. We had some genuine fun, drank “The Terminator”, which was a collection of all the possible drinks. Fuck. Some guy even showed me the Leprechaun dance. I mean Irish dance. No I was not drunk. This really happened. It continued with birthday of James, the most awesome fellow I have met. We had some relly nice chats about English accents, why noone uses received pronounciation, why TV has not killed them and why English people do not understand each other either. He also turned 34 that night. Fucking pity I did not take some contact info from him. Some of our chats were legendary (“I SEE FAT PEOPLE”).
Do you know what is best about thirty four year olds? There are 30 of them…
I also showed off my incredible singing skills by quoting Berserker from Clerks:
The last time I’ve seen people so impressed by my singing was when I’ve decided to sing “Tańczę aż mnie bolą kolana” in the night bus.
We barely woke up to see August burns red, who were really good; Anthrax whom I’ve skipped to get another constipating burger, Black Label Society who were decent. Then was the first headliner of the day. Lamb of god. I went there to mosh and got what I wanted. I also saw some unfamiliar customs. First of all, while we were waiting for the band to play and chanting Lamb of god, Lamb of god, some girl sat down, took off her panties and started pissing. Nearly on boots of my friend. Well, I can tell that was unexpected. Some guy even decided to vomit on top. Anyway, Lamb of God made the biggest circle pit in which I have participated. It rocked.
In addition when I got tired of running, I saw some guy flip out his dick and start pissing on another guys leg. The other gentleman stood there shocked, maybe he liked it? After all, when I went to to the toilet in the morning another gentleman standing in the line before me for good 10 minutes decided to skip and mumbled only “I was only standing here for the smell” (buttscracherrrrr?).
I’ve completely skipped Megadeath to see Refused and now I am quite angry at myself, since Refused played well, but somehow not as good as expected and were very dissapointing. I talked with some guys one of which turned out to be a Pole living in Glasgow since age of 12 (now ~20), asking what do I think about returning to Poland, to which I frankly replied that if someone is good at what he is doing he will always find a place. I was wearing my non-very metal, reddit tshirt, so I’ve exchanged the secret redditor sign with some people
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My metal-head friend came to see Dropkick Murphies with me and was very dissapointed. He did not feel the band at all. Just like the Englishmen. I did not care, I just found an Irish crowd with whom I could singalong and jump. I wondered if DKM would play Fields of Athenry on English soil, predicatably they did not.
And last but not least, came Rise Against, my top 3 favourite band, band that I have seen twice already and will see next Wednesday for the 4th time 🙂 The band who gave an incredibly intense set. The band where the moshing was incredibly good. Where I could sing a long. Where I could find my katharsis. Apart from usual wall of death, moshing and circle pits, we also had a round of show off, where apart from somersaults some guy made “the worm dance” 🙂 Sadly they did not play any of their older songs, but at least stretched their new ones when needed.
After all of this I was soaking in sweat, nearly lost my boot and decided to skip Black Sabbath, who was playing at the same time at other stage. Sadly Download was often about such choices. On the other hand if I wanted to see Ozzy, I could get a TV..
After all that and a shower we could spend the third night. Riot with the locals (“the witch, the witch, let’s burn it“) where in fact a fire broke out but was immediately stopped (“the fire, the fire, let’s burn it!“), we met Sasha from Russia, they even met some Latvian guy. The hate between Russians and Latvians is a topic for another discussion; simply a bilingual country does not work at all.
The tent became our new home, although we quit it for some time when someone decided to make the smelliest fart possible.
Finally, it was time to pack up and go home. The metal detector flashed at the airport while I was walking through it. The guys told me to empty my pockets. I forgot to move the condoms from my pants to the bag (hey, you never know what can happen), had them in the pocket and I took them out. The guys made banana faces and started inspecting the box thoughtfully. The security guy saw that there are two in the box: “well done mate” 🙂
Since Lutonowo is a Polish town, even the communicates were in Polish and after a 2,5 hour delay I got home. Where I took a bath. Which is one of the best things ever. We do not show any appreciation to running water. It rocks. Just as walls around. And working Internet. I mean, I could not setup data roaming in the UK, nor there was any place with WIFI. Fuck, I’m getting old. I even was happy when I got socks as a present. And no, I do not want more socks. I bought 50 pairs, best thing ever, fresh socks every day.
*In Poland on every concert they sell Żywiec. It’s not a beer. It’s liquid piss. You drink it, you have to go piss. Why bother? You can pour it directly into the urinal..
**I really need to write more coherently. Insomnia is a bitch :S